Dreams were part of my life; I was extremely a dreamer with wild imaginations. Nonetheless, every dream not achieved squeezed my heart and later left me seriously wounded. I had big and seemingly impossible dreams but as each one of them fall and remained unfulfilled, and so as I fall into heartache and then find myself too upset to fantasize again.
I started to hate the people around me thinking that they were the very reasons why I could not achieve my desires. Material possessions, academic satisfactions, emotional harmonies, and spiritual delights, all of them I tried to achieve at the same time. Soon after, I learned to be selfish; I started living for my own purposes.
There were so many things I could not understand, or I might say I could not accept. As time went by, situations in my life seemed to be worst and I got nowhere to run to, was I alone?
Things tricked me; I thought that no one would ever be there for me. No one would be willing to accept me as I am, no one, I supposed would ever learn how to love the real me. Self-pity as I understood.
My dreams were shattered, my heart was broken, and my mind was running dry. Where were all my plans? Had they forsaken me? Now I could not think of anything more. Now I desired nothing but happiness, I started thinking quitting my ambitious plans; instead there was nothing that I yearned for but pure gladness.
As I expected, things would not be easy as I wanted them to be. I was drained, awfully drained. My life was a real mess; I just could not take away everything out and live as if nothing had happened. This intricacy seemed to affect my life, and I hated it. I apparently did not want to be controlled by the difficulties that were making fun of me. I did not have any idea what to do next, I did not know whether to sought help and touch the hand of a someone, or just simply keep this confusion inside me. I wanted intimacy but I could not get out of this junk, I was definitely not ready for any kind of commitment, but I knew inside myself, my heart was crying for such intimacy.
To trust was my greatest goal that I was so hopeless to achieve. I could trust no one for I experienced extreme heartaches with the people I deeply loved. Life was complicated; I understood nothing and indeed fun no more.
Some people were trying to be part of my life, making an effort to accept who I am, but I just could not welcome them into my life. I was afraid. I was afraid to hurt someone who was willing to love and care for me. I no longer cared for what I feel, because now, what mattered for me most was how others would feel. And every simple thing was hard for me. I wanted companions, friends, relationships, but something seemed to hinder me from reaching out. Was it fear? Doubt? Confusion? Pride? Callousness? I did not know.
No man is an island, but I was an island. I was groping for answers, all my mind had been questions. My dreams, they were gone, I was alone. I could not get up anymore. To stand up was seemingly impossible; I could never reach my dreams now that I have no one in my life, now that I threw everyone out of my life. Dreams I buried, all I wanted was someone who would understand me, someone who would be by my side, someone who I could run to, someone for real. But no one knew I need someone, for I had been too hard for everyone. I rejected them all.
But inside me, a little of me wanted them to stay. I just wanted them to break the callousness in my heart no matter how hard I tried to push them away. I was yearning for attention, and for importance. Somehow, I just wanted to feel special.
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