fixated.

For quite a long time, my heart learned to beat. Fast, and faster. Sweaty hands, upset stomach, and a tied tongue, hilarious I might say. I never imagined how things turned unexpectedly, all I knew, in a blink of an eye, dub-dub, dub-dub, I was infatuated, deeply infatuated.

The feeling grew, and I hated it. For two big reasons, I could not feed this undying infatuation. And my goal was to FORGET and MOVE FORWARD. I tried hard and consumed a lot of time for my stupid heart was reluctant to take this goal.

Years passed.

Mission failed, for how I loved thinking about him, fantasizing, reminiscing, reminiscing and reminiscing over and over again. I kept on building castles in the air, enjoying every picture I knitted in the deepest of my imagination. How I loved to be mesmerized by thoughts of him running in my mind, truly and deeply, I was so into him, driving me crazy, invading my sanity.

Infatuated.

I entertained the temptation. I did not care whether how bad it would make me feel when it became a habit or lose myself in time; all I knew was it indeed made me ecstatic. The feeling was indeed wonderful, though at the back of my mind I knew it was not healthy. Merely thinking about him made me felt human and alive (owz?!). My longing for him was satisfied as I welcomed thoughts of him, and I was indeed enjoying every picture forming in my mind.

Fixation and regression were my defense mechanism. I guess.

And I never imagined how this defense would be a success. These past few days, I realized how things changed. This ridiculous infatuation faded, my feeling died down, though it would always be him (my first infatuation ever), I knew, the feeling of wanting him was not that strong anymore. Insignificant as it might seem to others, overcoming this stupid feeling was really a great thing for me for I had been struggling for a long time to kill this growing stupidity.

One thing I am still not sure about, is it really over?