panapanahon

16 years ago, the only thing that makes me upset is my broken tooth. As years pass by and as things change so fast, the reason that makes me cry is no longer because of an aching tooth, but my broken heart.

When I was in my early childhood, I did not care on what others think and feel about me. I could shout and cry whenever and wherever. Friends were taken for granted, playmates were just playmates, and nobody else mattered, just me and my self.

And now, as time goes on and on, I feel different.

Did things change? Or was it only me?

What I hate of being an adolescent is you’re expected of something, something that you might not want to do, and could not do. Opinions, whether I like it or not, greatly affect my life, and I damn hate it. Judgments from different kinds of people unconsciously grew inside me that I was not able to notice that it changed me in a way. I became a victim of sensitivity. Being compared, oh, disgustingly hate it.

Relationships were the very reason for my broken heart. It was hard for me to take care of a relationship, how could I? I could not even take good care of my own heart. I missed the days when I was young, when I fought with my friend; all were forgotten the next day, as if nothing happened, we became friends again, no reconciliation, no explanation. For me, damaged relationships were one of the hardest things to mend in life, it may be like an endless argument with your dad, an awful misunderstanding with your mom, a serious quarrel with a friend, an awkward break up with your partner, they seemed not to end, and history was repeating itself. Commitments tend to cause deep heartaches that may last for a long time. It can never be recovered in just a day, healing sometimes require a more painful effort and time that you do not know if it will be worth a shot.

17 years of struggling, this is what I am now, confused and pained. Just recently, I was so thankful that God is in charge of what I am not supposed to fuss about; He’ll let me get through with my difficulties. Being an adolescent was never easy. I tend to try hard to get the approval of the people around me, but I just realized that it’s not about them; it’s about pleasing my God. Though it will always be hard for me to understand every painful thing that I encounter, life can always be more than what I imagined.