Bubbly, everyone agreed that I was such a bubbly person. I was giggly, energetic, full of passion and everything. Positive and determined, I faced life with enthusiasm.
But that was before. Myself died.
I have been through a lot of changes and I became a different person. Someone that had gone too far, that I no longer understand, someone that seemed to be a stranger and was detached from its own being.
And why on earth did I change?
Rejection and despair, I felt them when someone in my life who I truly loved chose to break my heart. The pain was so intense because of all people in this world; this someone has been a part of me all my life. And it was such heartache, I felt like nobody, undeserving to be fought for and to be laid down a sacrifice. I felt so little, not living, merely existing beneath my skin.
Through hard times, I learned many things. Insensitivity became my defense because I believed that people would stop hurting me if I do not let them to. I isolated myself, no, I isolated my feelings from myself. And a point came that I felt nothing anymore because I cared no more. It did not matter to me if people close to me would leave me, it did not matter at all. I did not care if people would come in and out of my life, I did not care at all. And as time went by, I grew colder that I became bitter to everyone, and I tended to hurt the people who loved me. And time came that this coldness tended to hurt me too.
Life has been truly hard, healing was cruel. I became afraid of relationships because I have the tendency to depend on the people I commit to. And my fear is, when I became deeply connected with them, they might leave me helpless and broken. So I tried to detach myself from everyone and withdraw every time I felt the urge to stay to someone’s company. I became selfish; I just cared for my own feelings.
And I was not happy. My frozen heart killed me over and over again. This was not what I wanted. As days passed, I tend to lose myself more and more. God did not give me this life to play safe and imprison myself for I fear pain. I was such a coward for standing still, I was groping for answers, yet, I stubbornly held on to my past. Life, I guess, would be happier if I started taking risks once again. What’s the point of hating? Cold hearts are only for dead people, and the good news is, I am fully alive.
It’s about taking chances, moving on and on. I would not be who I am now if I did not learn to surrender my entire burden to my God. I can never take these things all by myself. Life’s battle is continuous; it does not stop every time I fall. I have to learn to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams and fall in love with my messy life and make it beautiful once again.
You will cry for help, and He will say:
Here am I.
Isaiah 58:9
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